Monday, September 17, 2012

An Open Letter

Recently I was admitted to the hospital for what my attendings ended up calling "non-cardiac chest pain."  I had a battery of tests run and they found my heart to be fine.  To be honest this whole event scared the hell out of me.  Well, my point is, and you all know this kind of stuff is not easy for me......

People, Im trying to thank you.  To all of you that visited and showed concern, well it moved me.

Ok, let me try this another way.....

If you count non-street time, Ive dedicated the last 20 years of my life to medicine.  It consumed me.  I thought the only way to be a good person was to give my all to humanity.  By giving my all to humanity, I felt that would make me a good person, friend and citizen.  Instead, it turned my into a tired, hate filled monster with little to no social skills.  I stopped looking at things and others around me and felt that "as long as I did my best for others medically" they should be my friends, admire me, and respect me.  In my attempt to be the best medic around, I ended up LOSING MY OWN humanity.  I began to feel no matter how hard I tried to be good, people were basically scum.  I ignored the good around me.  I maybe around a lot of scum, but it doesnt mean all people are scum.

I also ignored my body and my thoughts for years.  And instead of learning to deal rationally and healthily with my emotions, I wildly flailed them about in a screwball attempt at finding some grounding.  Many of you might have been on the receiving end of those attempts.  Ive hurt a lot of people over my last few years in my decent into unadulterated burn out.  If this gets to you somehow, I apologize.  However, those things are in the past and there maybe nothing I can do to rectify them.  I can only hope you find it in yourselves to forgive me.

While I was on the floor, I was next to a gentleman who was itching to get out but kept having new issues arise.  He was scared and felt alone.  His partner came to visit him and it gave him new hope.  He was eventually released(just letting you know lol).  Well, a funny thing happened to me..... Those of you, the medics and EMTs that came to visit me, those of you who checked on me from a far, well I thought I was respected as a prehospital provider, but I never thought anyone would really care.  What Im trying to say is THANK YOU.  All of you did something....You found a piece of humanity still hiding in the dark, hate filled world that consumed me.  I felt loved for the first time.........maybe for the first time ever.  As much as I break balls or try to be a hard ass, I thought I would have well wishers, but I thought I had become so much of a machine......I have friends.

Those of you that know me know I was nearing my wits end.  I was in a bad place.  I felt like I didnt have much left and this was the big one and this was the end.  I was going to finally going to see Elizabeth.  Yes the doctors gave me a clean bill, but you all did more for me than they did.  This isnt one of those near death, take stock of my life things.  I promise you.  You guys know me well enough to know i think those are usually meaningless.  What happened to me was more of what alcoholics refer to as "a moment of clarity."

I know I still have a lot to work on, and I know I may slip into my old ways.  I still may sound offensive and rude sometimes.  I still may be tough on many of you as a street medic, but you guys somehow someways gave me this hope, I cant describe it.  Its a start....and I mean JUST A START LOL of a new way of looking at things.

Point is, you guys in a weird way might have saved my life.  I know Im not going to be perfect in the beginning, but maybe this will be the start of.....hell I dont know.  Point is thank you.  I love you.  And to those Ive run over, Im sorry.  Hopefully Ill figure out how to do this right.

Keep fucking that chicken.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Amazing Grace.

Am I loud mouth and burned out beyond all recognition?  Yes.  Do I hate what I do?  Yes.  Is EMS/emergency services all Ive ever known?  Yes.  It is days like today that make me put all those feelings on the back burner.  Today the FDNY/NYC*EMS community lost a Paramedic while he was vacationing.  I did not know this Paramedic well.  I have seen him in the hospitals and from what many of my colleagues say, this was one of the most upstanding people anyone has ever met.  As much as I despise EMS, still to this day one of the most soul squeezing, gut wrenching, painful feelings I have is when we lose a police officer or a paramedic/EMT.  Over the last 12 years you all have become my family.....You ARE my family.  I can not begin to imagine the pain this paramedic's family, friends, and close coworkers are going through right now.  The only thing I can do is grieve as a fellow first responder and off myself to those members of the EMS community that knew this Paramedic well.

He is no longer with us, but where ever he is, he never has to get pulled off his meal or the toilet.  He no longer gets mandated.   He no longer wrenches his back. He no longer gets spit on, cursed at, and disrespected by the ungrateful animals we have to run on.  

I wish, god I wish, I could take away the pain you guys who knew him are feeling.  If anything this tragedy needs to remind us that while we all bicker and have rivalries and have silly drama, we all wear blue(or white or tan or whatever your uniform color is across the nation).  It is a time for mourning of a hero.  It will be for a few weeks. 

Again, I never knew this man.  Many of you have said that he always did the right thing.  Well now is the time to honor your friend and do the right thing.  Stop being lazy at work.  Do what this paramedic would do.  Honor him by taking on his positive qualities.  Do it for him and do it for the brother/sisterhood. 

 I will stand by in quiet reverence for a fallen brother.  I will always be here for all of you no matter how grumpy and angry I get.  

Keep fucking that chicken.  Out at corporate.  

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Arguing With Myself Revisited.

Tonight a fellow Medic had to go deal with someone "having pain all over" in police custody.  My brother did not take a picture of anything related to the patient other than the evidence that will be brought against him at trial.......100000000000lbs of coke.   This asshole might have had pain all over.  If he did, it was due to an acute allergy to stainless steel.

I love this city.  Even though I am a transplant, I have never tried to force my "art" on the "uncivilized" New Yorkers that have lived here first.  The hipsters need to to die or be forced out...ok my ad is done, now back the topic at hand.

Yes we are a liberal city.  I love most liberal things.  I give big ups to this City/State for such things as gay marriage, immigration, living close to and with other cultures(hipsters dont apply because they have made their own white bread pseudo art enclave and are afraid of the dark people).

I do not have tolerance, and never have for the criminal.  For some reason, we seem to feel here in NYC/NYS that criminals are people too.  Heres the deal.  They are not.  They kill cops, they kill innocent people, they take from the good and give to the bad.  Yet for some reason we coddle them here.  We give them things like medical care, yada yada.

Back down South, if an inmate was "sick," do you know how long it would take them to call 911?  Yeah thats what I thought youd think.  I miss that.  These people deserve to die.  Im not talking about a nickel or dime bag of weed criminals.  That is a different blog.  Im talking about BAD GUYS.  The kind we watched Spiderman, Batman, John McClain, or Shaft kill or put away.  Yet for some reason here in New York the bad guys have more rights than we, the law abiding citizens do.  Where else other than New York do you see bad guys sue the city/state, get off, and get big pay outs.  Down South these fucks suffer, which is what they should be doing!

I am a fan of big government.  What I am not a fan of is big government protecting dirt.  The rights of the people need to be protected.  I know many of my brothers and sisters in uniform agree with me.  However, I know due to Reagan indoctrination, many of my brothers and sisters will disagree with me because I believe in "big government."   I am telling you, we dont need Jesus and limited government  to tell us who is scum and needs who needs to be dealt with. We dont need religion to tell us who is scum and is abusing the system(this is not an argument about theism vs atheism, Im just saying) in our society.

Id like to thing we are all smart enough to believe this.  For now I leave it to you, my readers.

Keep fucking that chicken.   EMS night shift, all day every day, even at your wedding.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Thoughts On Being A "Rescue Worker"

As 9/11 comes closer many of us are starting to feel more patriotic and starting to reflect more on the good things in our lives, the sacrifices of our men and women in uniform(both civilian and military) yada yada yada.  I am not going to lie, Im guilty of this too.  It starts to go away however when I think about the fact that 9/11 first responders, victims, and their families will not be allowed to attend the 10 year anniversary.  Instead, it will be a star studded celebrity and political dog and pony show, with enough cameras available so that every blow hard politician and every "patriotic" celeb will be able to get their picture in the papers the next day and they all can announce "I care."

Now, I have to admit I am surprised the "Golden Children," police and fire, are not invited.  Being a member of the bastard service, EMS, I assumed even if 911 personnel were invited, we would not be.  We are not first responders.  We are "all the other rescue workers" according to the media, celebrities and politicians.  Last time I checked EMS was apart of 911.  Now, if we are truly not, would you(the public), if you dont mind, stop calling 911 and screaming for an "ambalance."

Im madder than hell that all 3 services are not invited to the ceremonies.  EMS lost many brothers and sisters that fateful morning 10 years ago.  We deserve to be right by our brothers and sisters in suppression and law enforcement.  I myself have no right to be there.  I did not respond, nor did I know any of the officers, hose monkeys, and medics killed that day.  My brothers and sisters who did respond deserve to go.

I celebrate alone.  Yes, I say celebrate.  I do mourn for those brothers and sisters lost, but more than that I celebrate the fact that no matter where they are, in the ground, with whatever god you believe in, or floating around in the cosmos, they never have to deal with you damn whiney ingrates anymore.  They never have to deal with getting shot at, being verbally abused by some asshole patient, dealing with some management type telling them they have to provide "customer service," little or no pensions, poor pay, or being called "all the others rescue workers" despite putting their lives on the line right by police and fire when you fucking pricks call 911.

I myself do not believe in god, but if there is, I hope all those EMTs and Paramedics are up there with the big man being told thanks and having it really mean something, getting their aching backs and joints rubbed down after all the gear and fat ass ingrates they have had to carry over the years, and most of all enjoying a beer and a scotch with the big man, sitting rightfully at a table with suppression and law enforcement being call EMT, being called Paramedic, being called EMS.

Keep fucking that chicken.  Out at corporate, have a good night.  

Wednesday, August 17, 2011


Over the last 72 hours, I have decided to not only continue my college education, but start paralegal school.  Paralegals make starting what I currently make as a 10 year Paramedic.  If I decide not to "help" the community, I can easily make 120k.

That being said, this will be my final recert in EMS.  What else can I say.  I hate this job.  I hate what people make it out to be.  I hate people.  At one time I thought I might become a cop, at least Id be respected by friends and family.   And you know what, if I was a cop or a hose monkey, I might actually be respected.  But I learned taking care of you animals isnt worth it.  I hoped my love of medicine and sacrifices to the world would not go unnoticed(even though I did not expect that in the begining).

What did I learn from 10 years on the street as a "healer?"

Well, 1)Most of you dont deserve to live.  2)Most of you are scum in one way or another and deserve to be batoned the hell out of.  3)I am a tool.  I am a tool to the fire departments, doctors, nurses and everything else.   4) I am a cash cow for some CEO.

I was taught, "help others and you help yourself."  BBUUAAHAHAHAHAHA.  Im just ashamed of myself for never following through with college the first go around.  If I did, I might have been successful, not willing to help others and yet pretend to(ie be a republicrat).  I wish I never wanted to help people and be like my cousins(I DONT MEAN THIS IN A BAD WAY)and just take my classes and stay in WASP America and lead a normal life.  Many people do this.....most people do this....I have no one to blame but myself.

They now get to live a life of luxury(not a bad thing) while I(and my brothers and sisters) know whats really out there.  If I could do it all over again, I would.  I would be like them.  Normal. Happy. Naive.  Again, this is not a bad thing.  If I had followed them, Id be normal, hold normal relationships, do normal things.  Instead Im "insane,"  cant hold on to anything meaningful for more than 1 hour etc etc....

In the end. FUCK YOU EMS.

Hopefully I have a new future.   Until I get to move on up to the east side.....


Monday, August 8, 2011

Arguing With Myself. The Uniformed Mind.

I have always argued with myself.  My best friend will attest to this.  Im fully aware Im nuts.  That is not what Im going to discuss though, because that is a given, its a constant, like gravity.

Ive recently noticed something about myself and my uniformed brothers and sisters of all races and creeds. We have two minds.  I think most of us will all agree we became EMTs, medics, firefighters, and cops for the same reason, we wanted to help people.  We all were almost hypersensitive to suffering and injustice.  We saw the suffering and injustice and thought "hey, Im going to do something about it!"  In many ways, when we started out, we were "liberals."  

FYI: This is not a conservative vs. liberal post per se, nor am I saying one is better than the other.  Im just noticing a difference in our thought patterns.

As time goes on and we see more and more depraved acts of humanity, laziness and greed, we start to wonder why we are doing this.  People that once believed in and helping the "underdog"  are now saying "let em figure it out on their own." " Let em down."  "Why is my paycheck going towards helping these shitheads?"  The thing is, I notice these things being said while we are in uniform or just status post duty.  I have noticed when we are in civilian garb, maybe at bar, a friend's house, the coffee shop, we are shocked at the things done to the "underdog." "Its not right!" we say.   We want the best for our fellow humans.  We believe racism, greed, and all the bad things that accompany them exist and should be stopped.  However, when we throw on our blues(or whatever color your uniform is) we sound just like republicans.  We hate, we stereotype, we believe the only good people left are the X amount of people currently on duty.

Im sure there is a balance between the two worlds.  It may never be found though.  I feel we live like Spiderman/Peter Parker, who was always in constant turmoil because of his two lives.  Until we find that balance, I leave you with this.  This is for all my brothers and sisters in uniform.  It something Nick(my best friend) showed me a long time ago, and often provides me with inspiration good or bad on days when I dread going to work.