Recently I was admitted to the hospital for what my attendings ended up calling "non-cardiac chest pain." I had a battery of tests run and they found my heart to be fine. To be honest this whole event scared the hell out of me. Well, my point is, and you all know this kind of stuff is not easy for me......
People, Im trying to thank you. To all of you that visited and showed concern, well it moved me.
Ok, let me try this another way.....
If you count non-street time, Ive dedicated the last 20 years of my life to medicine. It consumed me. I thought the only way to be a good person was to give my all to humanity. By giving my all to humanity, I felt that would make me a good person, friend and citizen. Instead, it turned my into a tired, hate filled monster with little to no social skills. I stopped looking at things and others around me and felt that "as long as I did my best for others medically" they should be my friends, admire me, and respect me. In my attempt to be the best medic around, I ended up LOSING MY OWN humanity. I began to feel no matter how hard I tried to be good, people were basically scum. I ignored the good around me. I maybe around a lot of scum, but it doesnt mean all people are scum.
I also ignored my body and my thoughts for years. And instead of learning to deal rationally and healthily with my emotions, I wildly flailed them about in a screwball attempt at finding some grounding. Many of you might have been on the receiving end of those attempts. Ive hurt a lot of people over my last few years in my decent into unadulterated burn out. If this gets to you somehow, I apologize. However, those things are in the past and there maybe nothing I can do to rectify them. I can only hope you find it in yourselves to forgive me.
While I was on the floor, I was next to a gentleman who was itching to get out but kept having new issues arise. He was scared and felt alone. His partner came to visit him and it gave him new hope. He was eventually released(just letting you know lol). Well, a funny thing happened to me..... Those of you, the medics and EMTs that came to visit me, those of you who checked on me from a far, well I thought I was respected as a prehospital provider, but I never thought anyone would really care. What Im trying to say is THANK YOU. All of you did something....You found a piece of humanity still hiding in the dark, hate filled world that consumed me. I felt loved for the first time.........maybe for the first time ever. As much as I break balls or try to be a hard ass, I thought I would have well wishers, but I thought I had become so much of a machine......I have friends.
Those of you that know me know I was nearing my wits end. I was in a bad place. I felt like I didnt have much left and this was the big one and this was the end. I was going to finally going to see Elizabeth. Yes the doctors gave me a clean bill, but you all did more for me than they did. This isnt one of those near death, take stock of my life things. I promise you. You guys know me well enough to know i think those are usually meaningless. What happened to me was more of what alcoholics refer to as "a moment of clarity."
I know I still have a lot to work on, and I know I may slip into my old ways. I still may sound offensive and rude sometimes. I still may be tough on many of you as a street medic, but you guys somehow someways gave me this hope, I cant describe it. Its a start....and I mean JUST A START LOL of a new way of looking at things.
Point is, you guys in a weird way might have saved my life. I know Im not going to be perfect in the beginning, but maybe this will be the start of.....hell I dont know. Point is thank you. I love you. And to those Ive run over, Im sorry. Hopefully Ill figure out how to do this right.
Keep fucking that chicken.
